9 thoughts on “SELF ASSESSMENT

  1. Shanjeda Hanif Post author


    At the beginning of the semester, I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I believed that I was not a good writer and I was not capable of doing this work. As the days went by, I had slowly but surely come to the realization that I was doing fine and that I would be fine. I got a very bad grade on the summary and response that we had gotten back and at that point I convinced myself that I was a failure. I tried harder the next assignment, which was the abstract. I got a better grade on it and felt better about the class overall. I was keeping up with the class and I didnt feel as if I was struggling anymore. I was happy with the outcomes and I was on top of my work. Around the time that the research paper was due, I got very sick and a lot of family/personal problems had arose. It was basically the end of the semester and I was frustrated that this was happening. I was unhappy and upset. I managed to push aside my family issues aside and focus on the work and was able to submit the paper. I also missed the class where Professor Stoler taught us how to use wordpress and CUNY commons so I had figured it out on my own and believe that I did it all correctly. This first semester of college is nothing like high school and it was probably the worst transition ever but I managed to make it to the end and believe that I did okay.

  2. Shanjeda Hanif Post author

    Research Essay

    Effects of a Parent’s Death on a Child’s Conscious

    Seeing her mother betrayed her father and entire family, Priya couldn’t bare to be around it anymore. She had already lost the most important man in her life, her mom was just the cherry on top at this point. Priya now has to navigate life without the support of her parents. (Hanif)
    When a parent passes away, the children are the most affected. The reasoning behind this is very simple; children need parents in order to be guided through life.The emotions that these children now feel under bereavement can influence everything around them. They can turn to drugs and alcohol for comfort, fall under peer pressure from those around them or even isolate them to the point where they would need psychiatric help. In this paper, the work of Linda Dowdney will be used to show how the death of a parent causes psychiatric disorders within children. Next, the work of Thomas Crook and John Eliot will convey how the death of a parent can cause depression. Following that, the work of Emily S. Harris will depict how death cause a huge impact on children’s performance in school and relationships with peers. Lastly, Debra Umberson and Meichu D. Chen explains how the death of a parent is more significant on younger children rather than adolescents and older.
    When you lose a parent, you lose a part of yourself. The trauma that comes from the loss of a parent has to be the worst kind of trauma to experience. Priya loses her father due to very unique circumstances, and in the midst of losing her father, she also loses her mother. Now all alone with no parental figures or help, she has to learn how to stand on her own two feet and be independent.
    Parental loss causes a lot of mental, physical and emotional pain to a child and their health. It’s a life changing experience and it creates a whole new version of yourself. This is an important topic to talk about because of the aftermath that these children face after this traumatic experience. Whether it be negative or positive, parents have an influence on you and make a difference in your life. No matter the age the child may be at, thoughts of abandonment may fill their heads and take a toll on their mental health.
    Mental health is very important and when it isn’t cared for properly, it can really hurt a person seriously. In the article “Adolescent bereavement following the death of a parent: An exploratory study”, written by Emily S. Harris, she writes in the article “subjects reported a higher sustained degree of distress than adult children following the loss of a parent”. This distress that they are feeling can cause a lot of difficulties in their life and affect their surrounding situations that are at hand and cause problems in their day to day life. “Behavioral reactions associated with impaired school performance, strained peer relations, and sleep disturbances.” (Harris) When the death of a parent goes to affect you later on in life and is hurting your future relationships and your sleep, the stress has to be high and very alert in order to show that the fear of abandonment is very much still prominent.
    This loss affects more than just your relationship with others and your focus in school, says Panu Islam, a third year student of Dhaka Univeristy in Dhaka, Bangladesh. We need parents or even a figure of authority in our lives to keep us in check. “I wasn’t able to sleep properly after my dad died. Everything hurt, even my bones”(Islam). Her siblings were not affected as much because they were older and havent been around their parents as much. Islam being the youngest, took care of her parents twenty four seven. She was tired but could never close her eyes because all she saw was her father. “I didn’t feel abandoned, I think he was more abandoned than I was”(Islam). In the Islamic religion, the belief is that you are questioned after you die and your sins on this Earth determine whether or not you go to heaven. “My father was an amazing man, he helped whoever he could whenever he could but he also had his flaws and negative aspects of his life from when he was a teenager”(Islam). She was more worried about the afterlife of her father than his actual loss or even herself and how she would go about her day to day life now.
    Psychological health is also important to the human body. Taking care of your psychological health can determine your day to day health. In the article “Annotation: Childhood Bereavement Following Parental Death” by Linda Dowdney, she says, “One child in five is likely to develop psychiatric disorder.” This shows how children aren’t taking care of their health properly when they are in this stage of life properly, they aren’t talking to anyone about how they feel and they aren’t opening up about the confusion that’s going on in their heads. “The highest rates of reported difficulties are found in boys”(Dowdney). This represents how the sons and boys are overly attached to their mothers and when that separation comes into play, they don’t know how to react or who to talk to in order to not feel this way. They end up isolating themselves and fall into this state of confusion where they feel alone and abandoned.
    Children in these atmospheres and environments are usually in a state of confusion. This is because of the trauma and the grief that comes from losing a parent. Having to get used to starting over without a parent now, learning to do things without your parents now and just becoming independent now. It takes a toll on you and feelings aren’t taken care of properly. This ends up affecting your mental and emotional health if not treated for. When Priya lost both of her parents due to very depressing and unexpected circumstances, she had to learn how to stand on her own two feet and figure out how to support herself properly and now on her own.

    Cook, Thomas, and John Elliot. “PsycNET.” American Psychological Association, American Psychological Association, psycnet.apa.org/record/1980-09790-001.
    Harris, Emily S. “Adolescent Bereavement Following the Death of a Parent: An Exploratory Study.” SpringerLink, Kluwer Academic Publishers-Human Sciences Press, link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00705931.
    Dowdney, Linda. “Annotation: Childhood Bereavement Following Parental Death: The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines.” Cambridge Core, Cambridge University Press, 2 Nov. 2000, http://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-child-psychology-and-psychiatry-and-allied-disciplines/article/annotation-childhood-bereavement-following-parental-death/C605424705DC6D58FBCF916CE21FA6EB.

    This being an event that occured in my close family, it was hard to write about or even speak about. It’s a very taboo topic in our household, so bringing it up and speaking about it. The hardest part had to be calling back home and calling a family friend who also had experienced the same thing. Hearing the pain in her voice and the cracking of her words as she spoke really makes you empathize for them and be grateful for all that you have. When it comes to the actual structure of the paper itself, it got pretty confusing to write all the logos and ethos, also trying to figure out how to incorporate the interview within all of this. Overall, I didn’t think this paper was horrible to write and yes, I could have done better if I didn’t procrastinate as much as I did.

  3. Shanjeda Hanif Post author

    Summary And Response

    Family issues are common, especially in the brown community. A situation like Priya’s that revolved around money and insurance was also common in the brown community. She knows her situation and she has to deal with it because that’s the way brown children are brought up, to never talk about your personal issues and leave personal home conversations, at home.
    When a parent dies, especially the one you were closest to, that death takes a toll on your mental, physical and emotional health. When you find out how your parent dies, it becomes worse. Priya’s understanding was that no matter what, she must keep her mouth shut because family honor and respect Is more important than anything else, or so she thought.
    Being a single parent is hard in the sense of providing for your child all the way to finances regarding your child. Scott South said when parents remarry, they have the additional support so it’s easier to provide for your child. This causes children and families to move to better neighborhoods and schools and are ultimately given better opportunities to thrive. This is important because children also need two parents for the better result of things. It makes the mobility in life easier, it makes it easier to approach things and do things because that support is there from both sides.
    I agree with South because it makes sense to me overall. If a child is struggling to do something and there’s only one parent in the picture, it’s more likely that one parent is more busy than usual parent because the pressure of both parents falls on one. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the idea of remarriage if the child in the scenario isn’t the one being affected negatively. There are a lot of situations where children face the backlash of the stepparent and end up losing the love of two parents at that point. In the positive sense, if it results in the child being happier because of the new environment and parents, the mobility of that child increases.
    In Priya’s situation, I would say that she ended up losing her mobility. Her mother remarried against her daughters wishes and for selfish reasons. Priya has to live with the emotional and mental pain that her father is no longer this is where she loses mobility. A child loses basically the love of two parents at once and children fall into depression. Even though her mother is physically there, she isn’t there for her child.

    I found a few things very complicated with this prompt and task. Being the writer, it was hard to compare both the article and the narrative. It was complicated at first to find the similarities between the deaths of a parent in the article and the narrative. I believe this was because the article ends up getting statistical and realistic and the narrative has more to do with personal experience. The experiences that someone faces and endures doesn’t necessarily mean that there are legit articles written about it and that’s where it got sort of complicated. The article is vague in the sense of parental and death and the mobility of a child. It explained how the death of a parent affects mobility of a child but not how the child is affected and to what extent the child is being affected. If the article had gotten deeper into the issue and specified how a death happened and how it was approached, the summary would of been easier to write.
    Work Cited

    South, Scott J., et al. “Children’s Residential Mobility and Neighborhood Environment Following Parental Divorce and Remarriage.” Social Forces, vol. 77, no. 2, 1998, p. 667., doi:10.2307/3005543.

  4. Shanjeda Hanif Post author

    Narrative Assignment

    The blue and gold shimmering gown was lying on the bedroom floor as she was forced to come to a decision. The knock on her door didn’t seem to faze her at this life changing moment of hers. Should she say yes, or no was the question driving her insane. Her mom’s words flooded her head as heard the voice repeatedly, “This wedding is happening whether you like it or not”.

    The door broke open and she looked up to see her mother. She stared at her mom with her once happy brown eyes that were now bloodshot. The hatred and betrayal she felt at that moment was indescribable. It had been 48 hours since her father passed away and her mother couldn’t be more excited to remarry.

    She put on the gown, grabbed the pink and white flowers and walked out. The Nikah went by quick as this wasn’t a wedding anyone was looking forward to. The refusal to believe who this man now was and the position he held in her life was giving her a migraine. Her name is Priya, and Priya now knows that her father’s death wasn’t an accident.

    The following day, Priya was going through her father’s old boxes to find something that she could use against her mother and this man that was now her so called stepfather. As Priya is going through these boxes, she hears her mom coming up the stairs of the attic, probably to ask what she’s doing there to being with. She throws all his stuff back into the boxes and keeps the small notebook. After tucking the small black book into her purse, Priya stands up and starts dusting off her black jeans just as her mother walks in. She looks up to see her mom with her perfectly done hair and makeup, her mom doesn’t question her presence in the attic, just simply asks her to come down for lunch. As Priya is walking down the stairs, she has a gut-wrenching feeling telling her that all her answers were in that small book.

    It’s been a week since Priya found the book. She’s read the book back and forth about ten times, she can’t seem to find anything, so she asks one of her friends who’s good at finding clues and hints, to help her. Hasan read the small book and automatically starts catching onto things like the little citations in the corner of the page all the way to which specific words are highlighted. Hasan sees the daunting words highlighted on one page and shows Priya right away. “Leave That House As Quick As You Can.”

    Priya had her bag packed in the back of her closet ready to leave that house. She figured out that her father’s books is a map ensuring her safety. She didn’t question anything. Priya was a smart girl, she connected all the dots and realized that her mother wanted her father’s insurance money. What her mother failed to realize was that everything was under Priya’s name. Priya’s death equaled money.

    Priya got into her old red car late at night and drove away, she made sure to leave no signs of her existing in that old house anymore. She followed the directions as best as she could in her old raggedy book. After hours of driving. She realized she came upon an old house. She exited the car as slow as possible and took even slower steps towards the house. She felt wet cold grass against her toes poking through her flip flops. After three gentle knocks on the door, it creaked open and she saw her grandmother, who she couldn’t see in years because of her mother.

  5. Shanjeda Hanif Post author

    Poem #1
    It ended

    I dont know why
    Or how, but it just did

    The back and forth of our bickering
    The way you touched and flicked my hair
    The way your fingers touched and gripped my waist

    I took to much time and you were fed up
    Excuse after excuse and you got exhausted

    You found someone new
    Someone who gave you answers

    Now im stuck in this loophole of you
    What could if happened if I had picked you

  6. Shanjeda Hanif Post author

    Poem #2
    New Years
    A snowy cold new years night
    His chelsea boots and my nike slides
    His denim jacket and my senior hoodie
    A text from him was all it took for me

    The wall between us is out family
    It is worth it?
    The clock slowly changed from 11pm to 3am
    Calls from my ammu–Declined
    I didnt want to let his hand go
    A text from him was all it took for me

    The taste of vodka strong on his lips
    HIs oaky cologne now all over me
    The yellow cab honkings we tuned out
    I should probably go home now
    A text from him was all it took for me

  7. Shanjeda Hanif Post author

    Poem #3
    Apu’s Kalshi
    Apus silver water kalshi
    Its the only thing we have left

    ammu gave it to her when she was 2
    It was the only thing she ever drank water from
    After she was gone, ammu only ever drank water from it

    Apu dragged it around with her everywhere
    When ammu gave it to me, it was the only thing i drank water from
    It was apu’s favorite thing, so now it was mine

    Going through old boxes, suddenly the kalshi is in my hands
    Dust and rust all over it
    Was this apus kalshi?

    Her long black hair
    Dark brown eyes
    Childish laughter and behavior
    The memories came rushing back

    Her presence was brought by the kalshi
    When it was there, so was she.
    It brought back the spark in ammus eyes
    When the kalshi wasnt there, neither was ammus spark

  8. Shanjeda Hanif Post author

    Poem #4
    Ammu Haath Charo
    -Mom, let my hand go-
    Im not going to be taken
    Im not going to get hurt
    I swear I wont twist my ankle again
    Yes Ammu, I promise to call the second I get there

    I want to go underwater
    I want to dye my hair
    I want to go on that roadtrip
    Ammu please, let my hand go

    I dont want to wear a salwar kameez
    I dont want to stay home
    That not my responsibility

    Stop! Ammu, I said no.

    Let me go swimming and let me pull all nighter
    Let me live now
    I have to learn at some point dont I?

  9. Shanjeda Hanif Post author

    Poem #5
    Run on Sentence.
    When I first realized that I like him and was potentially in love with him, he was all I ever thought about and I didnt even know what love was supposed to be at that age or even this age but i mean we made it this far so it has to mean something right like people just dont get that attached and addicted right, it means something, it has to, theres no way that it cant.


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